Sit Down and Meditate!

Mindfulness is not a sprint. It is not something you will master and get the benefits of right away. Mindfulness is a practice that takes time and effort to develop. Sometimes a lot of time. There will be days, weeks or months when you feel like you are as far away from being mindful as you can possibly get. And there will be days, weeks or months when you feel like you are very present and calm as you go through your day. What is important is to continue practicing mindfulness.

I once had a meditation teacher who would say “Don’t break the string, don't break the string!” What he meant was that by meditating everyday, over a period of time, is when the real benefits of mindfulness practice show up. It doesn't matter if you practice twenty minutes or five minutes. What is important is that the string is not broken by missing a day. 

Mindfulness is not about trying to control your thoughts or feelings. It is not about trying to make yourself be more positive than negative. It is about accepting yourself as you are, without judgment. When you practice mindfulness, you learn to observe your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them or trying to push things away. We are just sitting with what is. There is a lot of research on the benefits of doing this on a daily basis. Stress, anxiety and depression can all be greatly reduced. Mental focus and physical health can be increased.

When you are mindful, you are not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. You are simply experiencing the present moment. This is why it does not matter if you have not meditated for five years after the last time you sat down and meditated. What is important is to sit down and meditate again! And try not to break the string. If you do break the string and miss a day or a month, you just start again. 

That is the great thing about meditation practice- you can always start back up again. 

Mindfulness is a practice that can be done anywhere, anytime. Ideally it is best to practice sitting meditation for a certain period of time each day. But you can also practice mindfulness while you are walking, eating, doing the dishes or driving. There are many different ways to practice mindfulness as you make your way through your day. You just have to want to do it.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help you to live a more present and fulfilling life. It can help with your blood pressure and immune health. There is so much research on the benefits of mindfulness practice. It is not a quick fix, but it is a practice that can be very beneficial in the long run. The more you stick with the practice, the more you will notice things about yourself and your brain changing (see neuroplasticity). It takes time but all you have to do now is sit down and meditate. Try not to break the string. See what happens.

Gaslighting 101

So what exactly is gaslighting? We hear this term thrown around a lot these days, so I thought I would take a quick deep dive into what gaslighting actually is.

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. The term originates from a 1938 play, "Gas Light," in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own sanity by dimming the gas lights in their home while denying that the light level has changed.

Gaslighting behavior can range from subtle and insidious to overt and dangerous. It is often employed by abusers, narcissists, sociopaths, and cult leaders to gain control over their victims by distorting reality and undermining their sense of self. This can take many different forms, including lying, denying, deflecting, minimizing, and blaming, as well as withholding information, love, and support.

One of the most insidious effects of gaslighting is that it can cause the targeted person to doubt their own grip on reality. Individuals may begin to second-guess their own perceptions, memories, and experiences, and may feel they are losing their sense of self. This can lead them to question their own judgment, feel isolated, lose a sense of self-worth and strangely enough become even more dependent on the gaslighter for validation and support.

Gaslighters often target specific vulnerabilities in their victims, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or trauma, to more effectively manipulate them. They may also use subtle cues and microaggressions to gradually erode their victim's confidence and self-worth over time. The effects of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting, often leading to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This in turn has a profound effect on a person’s health.

One of the most important things to remember about gaslighting is that it is a form of abuse. It is not the victim's fault, and it is not a reflection of their worth or intelligence. Gaslighting is a dangerous and insidious form of psychological manipulation that can have profound and long-lasting effects on people. It is important to recognize the signs of gaslighting and to seek help and support if you suspect that you or someone you know is being gaslit. By raising awareness about gaslighting, we can help make people more aware and hopefully prevent this form of abuse in the future.

Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is a term used to describe a phenomenon where individuals use spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid facing and dealing with their emotional and psychological issues. It is a common defense mechanism that people use to avoid confronting pain, trauma, or difficult emotions. The saying, “That which we try not to think about or feel only grows larger,” is all too relevant when it comes to spiritual bypassing. As a Mental Health Counselor and Mindfulness Instructor, I try to help people avoid this problematic pitfall.

The concept of spiritual bypassing was first introduced by psychologist John Welwood in the 1980s. He observed that some individuals use spirituality as a way to bypass their emotional growth and remain trapped in a stagnant state of consciousness. Since then, many spiritual teachers, academics, philosophers and psychotherapists have explored the concept and its effects on individuals and spiritual communities. One of my favorites is called “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism,” by Chogyam Trungpa.

Spiritual bypassing can manifest in various forms. Some people may use meditation or prayer as a way to escape from their problems, while others may use the teachings of their faith or spirituality to justify their negative behaviors or beliefs. Some may even use spiritual practices to feel superior or special, further avoiding their underlying issues. .

One of the critical aspects of spiritual bypassing is the avoidance of negative emotions. Instead of facing the pain, fear, emptiness or sadness- people may use positive affirmations or spiritual teachings to deny or suppress their emotions. This denial can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, anger, depression, as well as physical health issues.

Another consequence of spiritual bypassing is often the inability to form genuine connections with others. When individuals use spirituality to avoid their emotions, they may struggle to empathize with others' struggles or understand their own emotions. This leads to a lack of intimacy and genuine connection in their relationships, which can cause them to engage in spiritual bypassing even more. As a result, a person can feel dissociated from themselves and the world around them.

Spiritual bypassing can also create a spiritual community that is based on superficial positivity rather than authentic connection, acceptance and growth. It can lead to a culture where individuals are ostracized or shamed for expressing negative emotions or challenging spiritual norms, further perpetuating the cycle of avoidance.

When individuals use spirituality to escape from their emotional and psychological struggles, they can become disconnected from themselves. This can have far-reaching effects on their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, as well as their relationships and connections with others. Recognizing and addressing spiritual bypassing for what it is, is crucial to fostering healthy relationships and authentic individual growth.

Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism

Spaceship Amygdala

I lived on Spaceship Amygdala for the first thirty years of my life. I traveled to all kinds of stressed out, anxious, addicted, terrifying and highly reactive places while traveling on Spaceship Amygdala. What a ride! The exhausting thing about traveling around on Spaceship Amygdala was that it never took me to the calmer and more satisfying places where I really wanted to go. Instead, it took me in dangerous directions where I felt like I was continually stressed out and under threat.

Everyone I knew was also traveling on Spaceship Amygdala so I never knew I could get off the ship. I thought that Spaceship Amygdala was the only way to get to where I wanted to go even though I always seemed to be landing in a bar or emergency room or trying not to hyperventilate and shake while pulled over in my car on the side of the road. Every time I realize that I am no longer flying around on Spaceship Amygdala I feel so grateful that I want to get down on my knees and kiss the ground.

The amygdala is that part of our brain which deals with emotional reactions, memory and decision making. It is a part of our limbic system, which is the part of our brain we share in common with most animals. Anything that has to do with our behavioral fear response, such as anxiety, worry, emotional reactivity, stress- is the result of an amygdala that is overactive (functioning abnormally). The amygdala functions to keep animals and humans alive when dealing with very real predators in the wild. But if our amygdala is continually sending us into chronic fear reactions (fight/flight) when there is no real threat in our immediate reality (other than the thoughts in our head and symptoms in our body) it is often because our amygdala is not working right. It is perceiving a threat when there is no real threat present (this is what PTSD is). This is why when we are traveling on Spaceship Amygdala it can be a really long, frightening and uncomfortable trip.

Imagine being on an airplane that was continually bumping you around, sending you into cold sweats, agitation, elevated blood pressure, and palpitations, when there was no real weather-related reason to do so. Maybe the plane had experienced some real turbulence in its past, but now when there is no real turbulence the plane still cannot stop bumping you all around. This is what being on Spaceship Amygdala is like. It scares you and stresses you out even though there is no real threat present.

Many people take various drugs to calm themselves down when traveling on Spaceship Amygdala. Sometimes this works. Those who work in the control tower day and night trying to keep Spaceship Amygdala on a straight flight path recommend that when on board Spaceship Amygdala you should try focusing on your breathing and use mindfulness techniques to calm down. Those in the control tower realize that Spaceship Amygdala may never stop bumping people around but they also know that people on board are not in the life-threatening situation that they feel like they are in!

Fortunately, new policies are being implemented so that there are more employees on board Spaceship Amygdala coaching passengers on very effective, scientifically validated mindfulness-based practices that people can use to prevent themselves from becoming overly reactive. These practices are proving very effective for keeping people from freaking out every time Spaceship Amygdala bumps them around.

There are also ways to get off Spaceship Amygdala for good and climb on Spaceship Frontal Lobe (which is a much smoother, more satisfying way to travel) but these ways often require much more effort and discipline than passengers want to give. Most passengers on board Spaceship Amygdala still do not seem to realize that they do not have to be getting so stressed out all the time, but they often do not want to change. Such is the nature of space travel. But I am happy to report that now more than ever, some passengers seem to be fed up with getting bumped around all the time and are learning healthier ways of coping with the stress of traveling around on Spaceship Amygdala.

From my forthcoming book, “No Bullshit Mindfulness.”

Monster Mind

When we see a monster coming for us we know it. We don’t have to ask ourselves, “Is that a monster?” We know a monster when we see it coming and we run (unless we know it is a friendly monster). The mouth on each cheek, eyes in the back of its head, only one finger on each hand- all these things let us know that it is a monster. There is zero doubt about a monster when we see one.

But it is not so easy to recognize when we come upon a person whose mind is in such shape. Though he or she may have a great body, a perfect face, social status and be dressed very well, if their mind is disarranged it would be like they are growing hands from their head and have toes coming out of their face and chest. He or she would have a monster mind.

Often times we associate with monsters without knowing it. They are our bosses, our friends, our co-workers, our politicians, our parents, our neighbors and our partners. It could even be ourselves. Everyone knows when someone’s body appears to be very unusual but it is harder to realize when a person’s mind is twisted, warped or disarranged.

Just like we manicure our fingernails, brush our teeth and scrub our bodiesit is important that we manicure, brush and scrub our minds. If we neglect doing so we can end up with a mind that is a monster (warped, twisted or disarranged).

It is important that we are aware of our minds. That we are knowledgeable of what state our mind is in, the same way that we would know if our body or teeth were dirty.If we are not even able to be aware of the state of our mind, how can we take steps to change it? I think a monster is not aware that it is a monster. If it knew that it was a monster it would probably want to not be a monster.

It is first very important to be aware of our minds reactions to our own and other people’s actions. If we notice that our mind has become warped, twisted or disarranged (filled with judgment, worry, desire) it would be best to take steps to straighten things out.

Most people call it mindfulness. But regardless of whatever label you want to give it, mindfulness is really justactive control of your attention. Mindfulness is how we organize our mind. A monster’s attention is all over the place. Warped, twisted, disarranged and disorganized. When we become mindful we are taking control of our attention so that we can become more present and aware.

When we become present and aware we are more mindful of our five senses (our sensory experience). We don’t miss as much. We really notice things that we are hearing and seeing. We notice variations in color, shapes, textures and the various sounds that surround us. We have a heightened sense of smell and taste. We notice the action that is keeping us alive in the moment- the movement of our breathing. Our judgments, worries and desires cause us to become blind to these things and this can be because of a monster inside. By becoming more mindful we come alive.

A thief thinks he is looking all around and sees everything but really his desire makes him blind. He is unaware of his mind’s reaction to his actions; his desire dominates his mind. The very foundation of mindfulness is to be aware of our mind. To know what our mind is doing so that it does not become like a thief who ends up stealing our wellbeing and happiness away.

All we have for certain is this moment. This moment, right now. Are you fully here now? We cannot know for a fact that the next moment will come. The next moment is a fantasy in our mind. It does not exist outside our mind. This moment is real. It exists right here. So it is best to work on being fully present in this moment. When we are present and aware (not just thinking we are present and aware), we will not have a monster mind. Our mind will be clear, organized, sharp and attentive.

Please have a look at my website @ mindfulnessbasedcounseling.org

The Mindfulness Bookmark

If you are anything like me, it is a continual effort to remain present. I have a brain that is constantly looking for the next thing, continually thinking about doing something else, continually worrying about what might go wrong, continually planning, evaluating and judging. My brain is a control freak. It wants to figure everything out. It wants to take care of everything. It wants to think about things that will most likely never happen. My brain seems to only really rest when I watch a movie, stare off into my iPhone, listen to music, meditate or engage in other activities that engage my attention and focus.

My brain is a brain that resists the security, fulfillment and clarity of the present moment.

For whatever reason, my brain is always on duty. Always getting ahead of me. Always judging and resisting. Always pushing away and reacting. Always projecting itself into the future. In psychological terminology this is referred to as hyperactivity or chronic hyperarousal (normally the result of trauma). The diagnosis for this is Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a condition that is all too common in our modern world.

My brain always wants to accomplish things. It wants to figure things out. “Go, go, go!!,” it says. After a cup of coffee it really gets going. It judges, it projects, it worries, it imagines. It is fascinating watching my brain do what it does. I don’t need to watch films or television- the activity of my brain is entertaining enough. I don’t want to imagine what it was like for me when I was not able to observe the workings of my brain but instead was just helplessly going along with wherever it took me. It got so bad in my twenties that I needed Paxil, weed and booze to cope. Can not imagine the road I would of gone down without running into mindfulness practice.

Michael Brown, a meditation teacher and author, calls this kind of brain the conditioned, unconscious brain. What is meant by unconscious is that the individual is not aware of how their thoughts are creating their subjective experience. This is often what is meant by “you do it to yourself.” He refers to this unconsciousness factor as the fundamental and all pervasive human illness. It is responsible for more stress related physical illnesses, broken marriages, violent behaviors, accidents, dysfunctional relationships, addictive behaviors, mental health issues and general life dissatisfaction levels than we are even close to being aware of. It is the cause of so many undesirable effects.

In my psychotherapy practice, I see proof of this all day, everyday. The root of the vast majority of mental duress that I see people suffering from (and medicating for) is a brain that is running out of control. The speed at which a person’s out of control thoughts are moving is exhausting their body, causing uncomfortable and sometimes serious physical and psychological symptoms. Their brain is worn down by all the rapid-fire thinking and as a result they feel anxious, depressed, tired and chronically worried. They are often totally unconscious about how their thoughts are creating their subjective experience. The moment these individuals are able to slow things down, to become more conscious and focused in the present moment- it is amazing to watch the uncomfortable mental and physical symptoms that tormented them melt away. The hard part is getting them to come back to this more conscious space when not in my office! How easy it is to be taken over by an out of control brain without any technique in place to slow it down.

For me, mindfulness practice is not about abolishing my ego and becoming an all-loving-enlightened-being. It is not about attaining some spiritual or religious realizations that allow me to live in a space of bliss, love, peace and truth. Not interested in that. I like my ego too much to hand it over. I value the wide range of human emotions I experience and the various creations of the ego such as literature, art, music, film, design and ideas. I use mindfulness as a way to continually bring myself back to the present moment. For me, mindfulness practice is like using a bookmark while reading. I am continually moving forward in my life, experiencing a wide range of emotions, feelings and thoughts- mindfulness practice just allows me to mark the space I am at. To remember the place I am in right now.

I am continually bookmarking myself. This is my mindfulness practice. Bookmarking here, bookmarking there. Bookmarking when I get angry, irritated, anxious, excited, depressed, judgmental, worried, nervous. Bookmarking when I notice that I am in a hurry and when I am in a difficult situation. Bookmarking when I notice that I am worrying about the future or resisting what is happening in the present. I am continually bookmarking myself, again and again and again. It is like I am a reader with ADD, continually starting and then stopping, starting and stopping. As a result of this practice, I am continually coming back to solid ground. I experience more peace and wellbeing. More clarity and calm. A deep sense of confidence, contentment and creativity. I don’t need medications or magical elixirs to calm things down. I can take care of that by using the mindfulness bookmark throughout my day. In whatever situation I am in. Again and again and again, continually bringing myself back to the place that I am in right now. Remembering to pay attention in this moment, to this breath- the only place real sanity can be found.

The Simple Truth of Meditation Practice

I find that many people are turned off from integrating meditation in their daily lives because they are confused about what meditation is. They see meditation as having to do with things like gurus, spiritual attitudes, right versus wrong ways of living. There seems to be this idea that to be a meditator you almost have to be a religious like person firm in your beliefs. But this is not the case at all. Many great meditation teachers have been just, if not more, troubled as you and I.

Meditation in its most fundamental form has zero to do with any belief system. If a person wants to take it in that direction, nothing wrong with that. But meditation is fundamentally about relaxing the mind. Taking a certain amount of time each day to rest the mind by paying attention to what is actually happening in the PRESENT MOMENT rather than being all tangled up in JUDGMENTS or thoughts about the FUTURE and PAST. Meditation is a practice of just letting things go and becoming silent, for a little while.

It is my belief that most psychological issues that we deal with are the result of a tired mind. In the same way that if you were to over use any muscle it would begin to give you discomfort and pain, the brain is the same way. If we over use our brains with too much thinking and doing, how can we expect to not suffer psychologically as the years go by? It is not logical to think that one can remain mentally healthy and constantly refuse to rest their brain.

So, this is all meditation really is.  No need for gurus and spiritual or religious belief systems, if one chooses not to engage in that way. Meditation can be just a practice of resting the brain in the present moment. Letting the brain just be. And unlike religious or even spiritual systems, when a person regularly engages in this type of meditation, they need no proof as to its positive benefit.

Continual Fear

Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us these days tend to live in a continual state of fear. Fear seems to be what is operating our mental and physical vehicles, determining the ways we live our life. Some amount of fear can be a positive thing in terms of survival and motivation but too much fear makes life one long anxiety drag.

There is a long list of fears we deal with daily. Fear of being negatively judged by others, fear of not being able to sustain what we have, fear of being found out as the person we really are, fear of being discredited, fear of not being able to remain safe and secure in a world that seems to be growing more and more insecure. And then there are the fears of our own mortality, fear of illness, fear of growing old, fear of being hurt by others, fear of being the victim of a random act of violence and on and on. With all of these continual fears going on within us, it is a wonder that many of us still seem to be holding it together.

We tend to cope with our continual fear with our smartphones, eating, booze, working, inflating our egos, drugs, various forms of entertainment, ideological belief systems, shopping and more eating. But the fear always seems to be there just under the surface. We wake up with it at 3am, it finds us mid-way through the day when things slow down. We are good sometimes at hiding from the continual fear, but it never goes away.

Living a life from a place of fear is no fun at all. It is similar to being a prisoner on the run. An unpleasant way to live the one, impermanent life we currently have. So what can we do? Is there any possible way to be free of this continual fear?

Human beings are troubled and struggling in one shape or form. To struggle and be troubled by daily existence is as human as breathing. No one on this planet suffers from perfection, even if they are really good at pretending like they do. But we do not have to be troubled and struggle to the point where we are kept up at night by our worries or we are living life as a prisoner on the run.

Our brains are plastic and our nervous systems are always open to new possibilities of learning. What this means is that we are able to change things for the better if we put in the effort. Most people tend not to like this part because the effort is not easy, and will instead reach for their smartphones or something to eat. I am guilty of this myself. But we do not have to remain confined in the same way of being, day after day.

If we do want to change things within ourselves (not suffer as much) we need to learn to inhibit our old, more destructive patterns by opening up a space between our tendency to react in the same old ways to various stimuli and the potential to do something new. Opening a space is what helps us to interrupt our old and habitual reactive patterns and respond in a new way, thus tapping into our brains plasticity (ability to respond to life differently) and our nervous systems ability to learn new ways of being.

Despite continual fear being a main staple in contemporary life, mindfulness does give us the ability to be aware of when fear has taken over, when fear is running our life and then rather than reacting to this fear in the same old way (which can snowball into complete misery), opening a space within which you can acknowledge the fear and then let the fear move through (which it will do if you let it).

Without the ability to open a space, fear has no place to go, gets blocked up and remains continual fear.